Monday, January 27, 2014

Run. Confront. Repeat.

I missed my Friday love story. Don't think I wasn't thinking about it, but I did have much more going on. I'm writing with a heavy mind and heart. This is about to get real, perhaps a bit deep? Open book, I am.

I was doing a bit of mourning with a mix of confronting a huge elephant in my room. That room being my life. That elephant being a sliver of my past that happens to be family. This encounter has done nothing but mentally exhaust me…in a good way. The one's that know me, know my family dynamic. I won't go in depth about that…not here, not now. We all have some extra baggage that comes in the form of a past. We all have 3 choices when dealing with a past:

1. Run from it.
2. Confront it and learn from it.
3. Repeat it.

I chose and continue to choose to confront and learn from it, every day.

My encounter this weekend triggered deep thought about my future and past relationships and what I want in a marriage type relationship. Hell, what I want in any relationship or friendship in life. It triggered questions and even a conversation about repeating the past. History is known for repeating itself, ya know.

Quick summary: I come from divorced parents. I, along with my brother and sister, were all mature enough to witness and understand the divorce process. The one we went through just so happened to be a toxic, painful one. That being said, my mom, brother, and sister are my rocks and best friends. We are awesome.

 What if the saying is true? What if I'm destined to end up in the same boat? The boat that sinks from divorce.

I'm determined that this what if won't happen. And here's why:

1. I'm aware. I take notes. I pay attention. I learn. My last serious relationship was in 2011. I made an exit after I noticed some qualities that weren't what I wanted and felt were unhealthy. After that relationship, I took 2 years to do some growing and soul searching. I was completely single; yes, by choice. After being in a relationship nonstop since high school, I decided it was time to step out of my comfort zone. And it was one of the best things I've ever done.

2. I learned how to be happy with myself. This is crucial. If you ever want to make anyone else happy or be happy with someone else, you have to be happy with yourself. I can say that I found that happiness. During this time, I became comfortable in my own skin. I developed a strong drive and ambition that literally fuels me every day. During this time, I healed from a painful past…I became strong. I evaluated what I would want/need in a serious, long term relationship.

I stopped searching and started praying. 

3. Because of the first two reasons, I am able to confront my past with confidence. I'm able to give it the middle finger. I'm able to overcome. I'm able to come to terms and be at peace with the fact that people, family or not, will come in and out of your life. I'm not bitter that sometimes you are only connected to someone through shared DNA. It happens to some people (like me and my siblings and a parent), but it won't in my future. I won't be in something so toxic or cause that pain to the people I love. I confronted a part of my past that should absolutely scare me. I should have serious issues. Instead of being scared, I forgave. Because of this encounter, I had the closure I needed. I came to the peaceful realization that the marriage I saw growing up doesn't have to be the marriage I walk into in the future.

They say the truth sets you free…but that's not completely true. Forgiveness can also set you free.

 I won't let it haunt me or repeat. I'm going to break a cycle. I will be A-okay.

Because of my past, I live and love in a way that I never thought I was capable of.  I go out of my comfort zone.  I am figuring out the person I want to be, not stuck on who I was or who I come from. 

This one had a rough start, but I feel like I brought it back up. My awkward encounter with a distant individual last week needed to happen in order for me to be at peace with that part of my past. The past is the past. My present day is pretty damn awesome. Every day I wake up, I become a little more Love Struck by my current reality.

This is my new mantra in regards to the past. 

"You can have my past. I´ll never get that back.

I´m moving on, ´cause those days are gone." -Haim


  1. Beautifully said and I love the person you are Ashley! I am a product of a messy divorce as well. I will tell you there is absolutely every chance of overcoming the past and all the baggage that comes with divorce too. 16 years of marriage and counting. ;) I adore your new mantra.

  2. Thank you Ilde! I can't believe you've put up with Jim for 16 years, haha! I love ya'll. Thank you for the support and your friendship! :)